How Can I Explain

     The actions I have shown have tried to mirror the words I expel. I tend to fail more so than not. There can be a disconnect at times. Even so, my words seem to be so profound that the opportunity of wrongdoing is reduced to a minimum. If actions speak louder than words - why is the pen mightier than the sword? I don't know what to believe yet, and I cannot side with the extremes. I just hate when the things that are written in stone are lost in translation. Words cannot explain everything I feel, so what do I do when my actions can't do so as well? How can I explain what I can't even feel? How can I explain what I can't make sense of? I haven't a clue of what to do. I'll just share the remnants of the broken thoughts that liter my mind.

     I wish words could explain how much I want to change the world.  I wish words could explain how much better of a big brother I want to be. I wish words could explain how much of a great man I want to be so the kids have a role model. I wish words could explain how badly I want the fight in me to keep fighting. I wish words could explain the prayers I ask God to help those with disabilities. I wish words could explain all my wrongs that could be written. I wish my words could explain things at the face value I give it. I wish words could explain that I’ll go through hell for the people I love. I wish words could explain that I’ve succeeded despite being me. I wish words could explain the astonishment I have because I have made it this far. 

...could explain the gratitude and appreciation I have for her. 

...could explain that I hope it is 'her' every time the phone rings. 

      I wish words could explain to God how much I love Him. I wish words could explain to God how desperately I try to make Him proud. I wish words could explain how much I wish people would take my advice because I spend a lot of time forming it. I wish words could explain that music artists are closer to me than anyone. I wish words could explain to me how to correct things before they become broken. I wish words could explain that living in my mind is rent free and it is the safest haven from the world. I wish words could explain how much I love bean and cheese burritos. 

...could explain how much I love you.

...could explain...anything...

...anything at this point

    The 40 Laws of Power tells us to always say less than necessary, but why? Maybe Robert Greene understands words cannot explain much. Maybe it's better to keep your foot out of your mouth if that’s what you’re running with. Maybe the tone of this is disheartening so let’s switch it around. 

     God watered the backyard of my brain. My subconscious is greener than ever. I see clearer, and realize words hurt more than sticks and stones. I can't review this subjectively. As I take an objective view, I also have come to terms that conversation is more powerful than sign language. God said let there be light and the world was birthed. His words created the universe, not his actions. What came first, the actions or the words? I think we have our answer. 

     The next time my words cannot explain anything maybe I won’t explain it. Maybe I’ll let what isn’t said speak for me. Maybe I just want to hear more from someone else when I can’t explain what I need to say. I'm exhausted trying to share what is inside, and that is okay. I don’t need to explain anymore, I just need to understand. I don’t need to explain anymore, maybe, just maybe, I just need to hear everyone explain to me what they feel.

 

- Papasaun